Archives 2012

We at ATC are constantly inspired by the travelers around us. Having recently met the digital acquaintance of singer/songwriter and traveler Darius Lux we thought we’d pass the music of a world sojourner on to our readers. Below is a letter from Darius to our readers:

I guess you could say I had reached a point in life where I just had a hunger for something new, for the open road, to actually see and experience things that had been in books and on computer screens for too long. As a musician in NYC, I had spent almost half a decade glued to the city and it’s industry  – things had worked out well financially but I was unfulfilled and didn’t know which way to turn. Out of the blue I decided to go to a crystal healing session by Jodi Serota, it seemed like a fun new experience and I had heard good things. We sat in a circle as Jodi put her hands on the crystal skull and began channeling other-worldy sounds that I can only describe as making me feel like I could knock down a building with just my arm. The next morning I awoke with a clear vision of traveling around the world for a year – I spoke to my wife, Tiffany about it and she was instantly excited by the idea.

How do I fit a year around the world into a few paragraphs? Each leg of the journey was like a separate lifetime. Indonesia followed by Thailand, Cambodia, India, Nepal was one long mystical dream – we were intoxicated by the old cultures, the reverence for something bigger than themselves, the beauty and simplicity and still the complex histories.

For the past two years Lauren has been running a small book club in Beijing called Book Smugglers. From time to time publishers send books for review. Border Run, by Simon Lewis, was one such book. Below is a review composed by Sam Johnson.

“Looking for a new experience? Try murder.” This intriguing book by Simon Lewis picks you up, takes you running, and doesn’t stop till the end. Full of action and moral choices, you won’t want to pass this up.

Two friends backpacking in south-east China are given an opportunity to go off the beaten path or “mango-smoothie trail” when a friendly guide offers them a free ride to a distant waterfall. The promises of beauty and sex lead to an eruption of violence and a clashing of wills that keep you on the edge of your seat. Friendships are tested and morality is brought in to question in this Burmese jungle far from home. Will, the protagonist, is shocked when a series of events launches him into a deadly situation shared by his friend Jake and their guide. Can they keep this secret? Will’s actions and thoughts sometimes tend towards the implausible, but what would you do in his shoes? Will’s friend Jake at times seems to be his polar opposite morally; it is his decent into darkness that reveals Will’s character more fully. Can he be saved? And finally, what can be made of the chameleon guide. He is their friend one minute and a deadly enemy the next.

As the characters develop you may side with one, then the other in this deadly game of life and death on what was at first a simple Border Run.

Border Run from Simon Lewis, published by Sort of. 2012. 226 pages and available paperback for £7.99 and in the U.S. from $8.00 to $17.00. Amazon details here.

It’s a long story, and one we’ll share at another point, but we’ve moved on from our management of 12sqm Bar in downtown Beijing. We’d like to take this opportunity to thank all of our regulars, customers, tourists and friends and family for making our experience as bar operators one of the most thrilling and rewarding jobs we’ve ever had!

Mike and I on our final day at the bar, a bit sad but full of amazing memories! (above).

Mike has one final beer and I mix a final cocktail at the bar. Happy times, great memories! (above).

Thanks again to everyone who helped make this the amazing, life-altering experience that it was!

We recently had some friends visit us in Beijing, an occurrence which was a wonderful reminder of how many amazing sights there are in this city. Instead of the major tourists hot spots like the Forbidden City, our friends enjoyed the smaller, more tucked away treasures. The Llama Temple was a favorite, as was eating street food and walking around in the hutongs. We did hit the main highlights (hey, ya got to!), like the Great Wall at Mutianyu and the Forbidden City and Summer Palace, but the real days of exploration and discovery involved the more local favorites, Jingshan Park after the rain, Houhai on a weekend, etc.

Above (image) a very crowded summer-time Forbidden City. The palace was so packed we had to wait in “line” to peek into each throne room. On the other hand, the Great Hall of Clocks provided air conditioning and an early glimpse at China’s attempts to reverse engineer Western technology.

Above (image) Mutianyu. Surprisingly, this favored section of the Great Wall was not that busy mid-week in late May. It was, however, beautiful and worth the drive up. Our guests couldn’t have dreamed of better weather for their Great Wall day.

Above (image) of a side street off Nanluoguxiang. Our guests enjoyed waking up and strolling around the hutongs in search of coffee and adventure. They usually succeeded in one of the two. People watching in the hutongs is a great way to pass some relaxing time. The little window at 12sqm Bar & Cafe was a great place to peek out at the world.

Above (image) of a very un-crowded Llama Temple mid-week. The guests enjoyed this a great deal. It has easy access, isn’t swarmed with camera-touting tourists in floppy hats and smells like sandalwood.

With the current crackdown on foreigners the guests did have to deal with the raging xenophobia common in China. They don’t have other “races” to deal with so they don’t know how not to be racist. Unfortunately, they project all of this on foreigners, which is a broad term that can mean basically anyone who isn’t Han. We had a hard time getting cabs, even though dozens would screech by empty and looking for Chinese passengers. Our poor guests also had several doors rudely shut in their faces. At the Summer Palace the guard told them to go buy tickets to get into a temple, they went, got in line and when they handed the lady their money she slammed the little window down on them, the guard then shut the temple doors.  The same thing happened at closing time at Jingshan park and again on their last night at the Bird’s Nest. A shame, but then it is also an accurate picture of a broad swath of people who dislike and distrust anyone non-Han. The crackdown had many other adverse effects, including random passport checks and a crackdown on foreigners riding the subway without their “papers.” This added a lot of stress and was a pain in the ass for tourists and was, essentially, a pointless campaign. Still, I doubt it ruined their experiences.

China is a great place to get artistic. Granted, it’s hard to paint outdoors because a mob will gather around you, suffocating any sense of serenity or peace, but at the same time the social vibe can be fun if you’re into painting people. What I love about painting in China is the cost.

On Wusi St. in Beijing you’ll find several art shops that sell a range of supplies. From modeling to wood work to painting, sculpture and sketching, everything your artistic heart could desire. And at the fraction of the cost of buying stateside. In 2007 for my birthday I was given a $100 gift card to an art store in Minneapolis. I was in 7th heaven running around filling up my cart. Turns out $100 doesn’t go far in an art store in America. I ended up buying one giant, awesome canvas, some brushes and paints and a sketchbook and pens.

On Wusi St. I took $100 and walked out with ten meters of canvas (unframed), around 30 paint tubs, 12 new brushes, a sketchbook, charcoal pencils, eraser, drafting rulers and all the fixings (paint thinner, sealer, finisher, etc). It was a bonanza. And more recently when my folks visited they did a similar shopping spree at the art store. And why not, you take a suitcase of paints out on your flight and you can paint for a year!

A few days ago a lovely lady at the bar asked to buy one of my paintings (remember the giant llama painting?). I’m pretty attached to my dignified animals, but it was a happy moment nonetheless to have an offer. I’ve had some other interest in my dignified squid. I’m just hoping to hold on to them long enough to get the whole series completed and photographed. Here are some of the dignified animals below.

Dignified Animals:

Dignified Llama (above). The canvas is around 4X4feet, framed.

Dignified Hippo (above). The canvas is around 5 feet x 2 feet, unframed.

Dignified Squid (above). The canvas is 1 foot x 2.5 feet, framed.

Dignified Sloth (above). The canvas is 1 foot x 9 inches.

Un-Dignified Alpaca. This one wasn’t part of the series, but it kind of fits in well here. The canvas is about 1 foot by 9 inches.

Picaso Copies

I was also fascinated by Picaso for a while and went through a phase where I was tossing color and shapes around, even more ridiculously than the master himself (and not as successfully). Here are a few of the Picaso replicas:

The pregnant woman seems sadder in mine than Picasos, and also a bit more Dr. Seuss like.

The above was also not as successful as Picaso’s (that’s why he’s the man!). I’m also not sure why her boobs are hanging out while she’s reading. I usually don’t read that way.

The above is my least favorite of my Picaso copies. I might do some work on the tiles to make them pop more, and I’ve always disliked the muted mirror.

The above isn’t a Picaso copy, it’s an original! But it borrows from Picaso with the dual faces. I was going for a rich woman-poor woman dichotomy.

Dali Copies

A few months ago I went through a Salvador Dali phase. Below are two of the many Dali look-alike pieces I did:

The above is a bit more “southwestern” than Dali’s normal landscapes, but I love the long-legged elephant look.

The above is obviously part of a pair, I did them to flak a doorway.

Oil Paintings

Below are a few oil paintings I was working on a year ago. Oil has never been my medium just because it takes too long to dry and thus fills up with cat hair before it can set.

The above is a mix of oil and acrylic. 3 feet by 2.5 feet, roughly. The reflection is all oil, the rest is acrylic. The below image is meant to accompany it as a pair.

Disturbing Images

Mike says some of my art is creepy.  I don’t really agree, but here are some of the ones that he dislikes.

The above was part of a very long phase where I painted eyeballs. I have about twenty eyeball paintings.

The above started out as one thing, and morphed into another. Mike calls it the “creepy hermaphrodite” which is an insult to real hermaphrodites everywhere. It’s unfinished, but I might leave it that way to add to the oddness.

All is going well with the pregnancy at present, and our baby girl (that’s right, it’s a girl!) will be arriving this summer. Below is baby’s first solo photo shoot:

Mother is doing well, too. Here’s what Lauren looks like when round:

Baby Gear: With one more trimester to go, things are looking good. We have several of the things we need for the baby girl’s arrival. Including little tiny clothes, a stroller, a bathing cot, bottles and a few other accessories. At present, the baby owns more clothing than Mike. Many thanks to Lauren’s sister for providing such adorable clothing! (see below). We also have a lovely baby shower in the works for late May, thanks to a very special friend here in China.

We also have a pretty sweet ride we’ve dubbed the “Mini Batmobile” because it’s sleeker than any other mode of transportation we’ve ever owned. Save for Mike’s first batmobile.

Baby Name: One thing we don’t have is a name. Any ideas? While Mike is interested in a more traditional name, Lauren is holding out for something unique. That brings the grand total of names on the short-list to two. And no one is doing back flips over either one. We need your help!

Pregnancy Care in China: Many of you are asking about the level of healthcare at our hospital. We’re pretty happy so far. Earlier this month we had a gestational diabetes screening test followed by a fetal cartographic scan. They are keeping an eye out for preclampsia and other disorders without being overly invasive. Lauren has had extensive blood work done, and her weight (and the baby’s) is tracked monthly. We also have a fetal heart monitor at home, basically a Doppler ultrasound where we can check the baby’s daily heart rate. We pre-paid at our hospital for the prenatal plus delivery packages, which totaled around $5,000. Not cheap by local standards, not cheap by Cube Abandoning standards but decent considering the amount of testing we’re getting each month. The baby’s first close up photo at the top of this blog is from a 4D ultrasound, advanced technology in any country and readily available here along with a technician who knew her stuff! So the care is good, but having never been hospitalized or spent serious time in a US hospital we don’t know how to compare it to prenatal care back home.

It may come as a surprise to you, but the more vacation you take the healthier you’ll be. Or, so says a study done in the UK to promote healthier living. What shocked me about this study was that Americans get an average of 14 days of holiday a year and use 12 of them. We’re already getting far less than most other first-world nations, and yet we’re not using two of our very valuable days off. The study goes on to show depression decreases with increases in holidays, but surprisingly so does productivity. So businesses would benefit from making their employees take some R&R.

One of the biggest concerns with only have two weeks of vacation (and using even less) is that Americans are not able to travel abroad as easily with such limited time. Factoring in travel time (two days) and jet-lag (a half day on each side) you’re looking at losing three days if you go abroad. For many, this is deterrent enough, but factoring in airfare can make the decision to stay stateside seem obvious. The less Americans travel the less they know about the real-world situation on the ground in other countries. This isn’t great because frankly many Americans still believe we have the best system in the world. Perhaps we do, in some cases. But a trip to Sweden or Norway might reveal some real advantages to the way they live, govern themselves and stabilize their economies. Assuming our way is the best without looking at other options is a bit childish. The American republic is an amazing thing, and we’re a very free and lucky nation– but we need to keep evolving or we’ll go the way of all great empires.  One way to move forward is to constantly observe what is and is not working in other nations, and to implement the practices in our own nation that have proven logical, time-tested improvements. For example, the train systems in Europe and Asia provide revenue to their respective governments, are efficient, technologically advanced and provide a solution to many people’s transportation woes. Additionally, it has the added benefit of decreasing pollution, congestion and benefits the environment. It’s a solid infrastructure investment yet we’re lagging behind other first world nations, and embarrassingly enough several third world nations have better transportation technology than the USA. To the left is an image of the subway in Shanghai, to the right is an image of the subway in New York. One of them needs updating.

To show an even more embarrassing disparity. China now has the fastest train in the world, which whisks people from Beijing to Shanghai in five hours. FIVE HOURS! That’s the distance from Seattle to San Fransisco. We could use that on the West Coast. What do we have instead? Amtrak. Below are two pictures. An Amtrak train and a normal, high-speed train (not the new bullet train). If we don’t update our infrastructure soon we’ll be left behind, and an update will cost more, involve a steeper learning curve and ultimately result in years of lost revenue.

Above in an Amtrak Train. Below is a normal high-speed train in China.

A few pictures say more than words will, and that’s one reason why Americans need to travel more, to get more time off work to explore and to see that high-tech systems are going in all over the world yet we’re languishing behind driving old cars, using old, worn down trains with poor routing, and taking fewer personal and vacation days. Why?

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, Beijing. You’re supposed to dye the waters green, not layer the city in three-five inches of impenetrable snow.

In the hutongs near Nanluoguxiang we got around 3-5 inches of light, fluffy snow.

My hog, covered in Beijing’s first snow of the year, on March 17th, 2012.

Our little hutong alleyway as the giant snowflakes fall. 2am.

And finally, the classic shot of the streetlight in the snow.

A friend of ours took these side-by-side pics from her highrise in downtown Beijing. 1:30am.

The other day Mike and I were buzzing around on our super sleek moped. He calls it a motorcycle as his man points don’t decrease when saying “I’ll be there on my hog!” but they sure do when you use the words “scooter” or “moped.” Anyways, we were on the “motorcycle” heading to the other side of town when we saw a curious, and heart-wrenching sight.

A woman was lying at the point where the sidewalk meets the pedestrian crossing of a very major intersection in Beijing. Her legs were straight out, her arms were by her side. A local man was bent over her lightly pushing on her chest and looking around with a bored expression while texting on his phone. Every once in a while he’d blow in her mouth. She was imbobile.

We parked the moped and Mike, who was once a lifeguard at a swimming pool, ran over to get the local man off the lady and administer CPR correctly. Not only was he pushing her chest incorrectly, but he was essentially just blowing air into her mouth, none of which would be reaching her lungs.

I’ll pause here to point out that I didn’t notice anything wrong personally other than how bored the man looked. Mike was in a panicked rage as he jogged over and checked the woman’s pule. She was alive! And not only that, she was breathing normally. The man’s feeble attempts at CPR were endangering her much more than helping. I’ll pause here again to point out that after this incident I looked up how to do CPR, and now I can safely say that the dude had clearly seen it on a movie or TV show and was trying to mimic what he’d seen.

Mike asked what happened and it was revealed that the woman had suffered a seizure and fallen over. Unsure what to do (or what a seizure was) a crowd gathered around the woman’s body, which was locked up and nearly paralytic from the shock of the epileptic fit. Since she was non responsive, they assumed she was dead or dying. There was no telling how long she’d been there except to say that it was long enough for quite a massive crowd of onlookers to have accumulated around her seized body. The show was made all the more fantastic for the onlookers with the addition of a frantic white man pushing his face against the Chinese lady’s body and holding his fingers to her neck.

Once Mike determined that she was okay, he instructed the crowd not to touch her, he turned her head in case she vomited, and made sure she had room to breath while awaiting the ambulance someone assured him had been called.

An ambulance pulled up, with several EMPs jumping out hauling a defibrillator. At this point Mike vanished into the crowd and dashed back to the moped. There are horror stories of lawsuits and legal charges against people who are attempting to help a victim on the street in China. We zoomed off and listened to the ambulance siren as it whisked the woman away. There’s no telling how much air was in her stomach from the inaccurate CPR, or if foam and saliva had been blown into her lungs, exacerbating the woman’s plight.

The strangest thing about this whole story isn’t how strange it is. It isn’t how feebly the one man helped, or how an entire crowd gathered to watch but not assist, or even our shock at seeing our very first ambulance in China — in three years! The strangest thing was that the day went on and as with most things in China, this bizarre event was quickly forgotten and it wasn’t until the next day that Mike remembered what had happened and told the story to a friend of his at the bar.

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s official! We’re expecting a tiny little cube abandoner of our own! The little guy (or gal) will be here late this July. We’re planning on having the baby in Beijing, China.

If ultrasound pictures don’t gross you out, one of out little babe is below.

One of the most interesting (and comically frustrating) aspects of staying in China for the pregnancy and birth is that it’s 2012. Many of you think of this as the year the Mayan calendar said we’d all bite the dust. In Asia, 2012 is the glorious Year of the Dragon. This is the single most fortuitous time in the Chinese zodiac to have a baby. Thus, anyone who could wait to have a child has done so aiming to have it born in 2012. Their baby will be bold, wealthy, decisive, confident and lucky. On the other hand, there are some downsides to being born in the glorious Year of the Dragon.

For one, these kids will be hugely disadvantaged. Starting with their birth. Hospitals are all pre-booked (like hotel rooms) and already sold out. All the good (local, Chinese) hospitals are booked. In order to have a prayer at a slot you have to opt for a C-section so they can time your short stay in the much-coveted (and lucrative) hospital bed. This is forcing folks who could afford better care but didn’t get into the system in time to opt for lesser-quality care. This is forcing us to run all over the city like crazy people trying to find a space in a hospital somewhere.

The second disadvantage is the huge amount of competition that these kids will face. Beijing expects an additional 200,000 babies this year over last, which they attribute to migration and the zodiac, much of the former being attributed to new families or expectant families. Already the cost of a nanny has jumped drastically in anticipation of the increase in kids. The price of diapers, milk powder and toys are all jumping up… and not marginally.

When these kids turn 6 the schools will not be equipped to handle the sudden surge over the previous year’s attendance. When they reach high-school age, they will have to compete to get into the good schools. When they hit college, the competition will be more fierce than previous years, or the following few years. Essentially, once every decade one group of supposedly lucky kids will be hugely disadvantaged by increased competition and a lack of resources.

Still, for us we’re watching the chaos with a shrug of the shoulders. This will all make for a hell of a story someday, and of course our kid won’t be raised in China so the disadvantages only extend to him/her insofar as finding a hospital for the birth and the first year’s baby necessities. And the surge in pregnant women in the city is noticeable and, clearly, strange.

We’re excited about our new family member coming this summer and look forward to meeting the little kid and showing him/her around Beijing.

Yours,

Mike & Lauren

Our favorite Cube Abandoner Mike B is turning old. His first grey hairs made an appearance this year, as did sore joints in the cold and a grouchy outlook on the next generation, which he affectionately calls an “undisciplined horde.”

If you’re in Beijing, pop into 12sqm Bar & Cafe on Saturday the 25th to say happy birthday to this world-traveler turned publican.

http://www.twelvesqm.com

Let’s not keep patting ourselves on the back in America and Europe over the end of slavery. Sure, it’s not a major issue in the Western world. We don’t have to look at it, we don’t have to deal with it, and we get Martin Luther King day off work. It seems a universal fact that slavery is bad, and yet… that’s just the opinion of the fat cats at the top of the food chain: us. For over two dozen million people, it’s life as normal.

I’m constantly annoyed that local Chinese, when arguing about human rights, point out that American have no right to take the high road because we owned slaves. I always point out that historically it was a common practice, and that while it wasn’t universally understood to be bad at the time we’ve since eradicated it, (for the most part) in the US and have acknowledged it as a violation against human rights, and a mistake that tarnishes us all. I point out that slavery exists around the globe today, and that many products made in China use child and slave labor conditions. I always get blank stares as a retort.

I did some research to prepare myself better for the next debate and was shocked at the amount of new information out there on the modern state of slavery. There are around 27 million in slavery at this moment.

Still, the fact that it is actually taking place around the globe (the Western world as an exception) doesn’t release all of us of guilt. Slave and child labor are responsible for loads of products we consume in the West. And since we’re always begging for lower prices we’re a part of the problem. Chocolate, coffee, fireworks, shoes, fabrics, raw materials, diamonds, etc… many products are made by slave labor. Electronics are one of the biggest culprits. And I’m typing this from a mac, with a battery life that continues to amaze me. The compound fueling my battery and making it last longer is a rare earth mineral mined in Africa in conditions that are so appalling they startle the mind. And yet companies continue to push for cheaper raw materials to produce higher-functioning products to fill a growing demand for products that perform better, longer, faster and cost less.

Products of Slavery is a website that shows you the number of products from each country manufactured using child or slave labor. The image of the map (top left) is from their website and shows the number of products made using slavery in each country. These are estimates and don’t represent the actual number of products made, since little research has been done in some areas (like Central Asia and much of Central America).

If you want to see your own slavery footprint, check out the aptly named Slavery Footprint website. Due to the number of electronics I have, my number was quite high at 27 salves to produce the number of products I own. It’s an estimated number meant more to draw attention to the products that use slave labor more than an actual number of guilt points or something along the lines of carbon credits.

So, what will you do with this information?  Probably nothing. But it’s good to be aware of what’s going on around you. We’re sheltered from a lot of extremely horrible things by living in the Western world, and that shroud of safety and calm shouldn’t be taken for granted. Supporting ethical businesses, organic, local businesses and recycling electronics are simple ways you can help and make an impact by reducing the slave footprint you make.

Other places you can look for more information:

• Free the Slaves
• Anti-Slavery
• Stop Modern Slavery
• Freedom Center
• … and many, many more resources for information.

The other day Apple was set to release the new iPhone 4S in China. What transpired has hit news stands around the world, so I’ll only summarize briefly. A crowd of around 1-2,000 gathered in Sanlitun at the shiny Apple store the night before the new phone was set to release. In the morning, having waited through another blistering and dangerously cold Beijing night in the depths of winter, there were too many people and not enough phones. The police showed up and announced that the store would not be opening to protect the people, the employees, and the store. Some people were paid to stand in line all night, with no reward if they returned without the coveted phone. Needless to say, the crowd turned mob and pelted the store with eggs in disgust. Here’s a longer version of the story by the NY Times. Apple iPhone sales are now banned in retail outlets and will only be released online. Good move!

This isn’t the first time we’ve had an embarrassing mob problem with Apple in Beijing, and not even the first incident in the last few months. Not long ago two citizens got in a fist fight at an Apple store over the last available iPhone, a fight that resulted in one man being hospitalized and a broken window. As a result of the fight, the Apple store now has more security than the queen’s crowned jewels. These giant, well-trained men stand without blinking as they monitor the interior crowd as well as the exterior. They even have a frisking station, and the number of security cameras has doubled.

Then there was the saga of the fake Apple stores, where some of the employees working the fake stores didn’t even know they were not legit. The fakes were so good, and the shops designed to replicate real Apple stores, that customers, employees and clearly officials were all fooled. Someone wasn’t, however, and the fake stores were quickly shut down. Anyone who has spent time in China knows they will be back, but for the time being with media hype high, the fakes are temporarily on hiatus.

But that isn’t all! When the released the previous iPhone version the line was so massive that it stretched through the Sanlitun village, congesting traffic, resulting in scuffles and fights, and generally disrupting the entire area. So many people went without the phone thanks to migrant workers who were paid to stand in line to acquire the phones in bulk for sub distributors. To this day you’ll find men and women standing directly outside the Apple stores hawking the iPhones they bought on the release date, for an increased fee of course. These peddlers are not only annoying, but it’s hard to watch how desperately they tried to push the phones in the run-up to the 4S release.

What is it about Apple products that drive the Chinese crazy? Sales in China account for 1/6th of all Apple sales, but there are only five stores in the country. They are packed every day of the week with more of a curious mob spending their hard earned cash than the new rich or wealthy. Even those who can’t really afford it save up for months to have the latest gadgets.

But what we learned from the Apple staff is that nearly all the folks who buy the Apple computers and phones have no idea how to use them. The technology is so new in China that they can’t turn them on without detailed instructions. Thus, nearly half of what Apple does in China is training courses for new Apple buyers. This is a brilliant strategy and Apple is truly one of the best success stories in terms of breaking into the Chinese market with huge brand recognition.

If you follow us on Facebook, then you’ve probably noticed the bad-ass photo of Lauren on a motorcycle. Here’s how that transpired:

So it was Christmas morning, the morning after an insanely busy night of serving rowdy Chinese at the bar. We were exhausted and slept in, unlike most Christmas tales where people wake up and run to the tree. We woke up and ran to the coffee. Then Mike started fidgeting and eventually yelled “I can’t wait!”

We ran outside and there next to the grey brick wall was a shiny red motorcycle. . . well, motor-scooter. It’s an electric bike actually with a range of 30km and a max speed of 30km per hour. It’s beautiful, not unlike the motorcycle from The Great Escape. Side note: did you notice that the bike used in the film was actually invented AFTER the supposed date of the film. Major movie flaw, but still you can’t hate Steve McQueen.

So, our first day out on the bike we didn’t charge the battery fully and it died about 3km from the house. A long, embarrassing walk pushing a giant scooter. The second day out we were waiting at an intersection when a local blew through a red light and T-boned the bike, obliterating the fuselage and jolting the frame. Lauren was driving, so she yelled “Get off! I’m chasing him!” and then took off at full speed (30km per hour mind you) chasing the hit-and-run asshole. She yelled, he drove faster. Eventually she sped up enough to ram right into the side of the terrified man, knocking bits of his bike into the air and finally forcing him to a grinding halt when she pointed the nose of the busted red beauty directly in his escape path. The man then had no choice but to either face the wrath of a woman with a busted Christmas gift or to call the police. He chose the police.

They arrived leisurely and overweight, and refused to talk with us. He listed to the Chinese man and then said there was nothing he could do. We insisted the man had not only run a red light, but did a hit-and-run, and was now lying to a police officer. It looked (and sounded) pretty serious. Finally, the lazy cop sucked in his paunch and called his home-base. After a long conversation he reported that the traffic camera showed the Chinese man breaking several laws, and slamming into two foreigners who were breaking none. He sighed and told us to name a price.

This is where it got even more uncomfortable than chasing down a hit-and-run culprit Bullit style. We had to pick a price, out of the blue, and the cop was mitigating and managing the amount. He then would tell us if the price was too high. We demanded the man pay for a new bike or a new fuselage and estimated over a thousand rmb (slightly more than a $100 USD). The cop laughed, and by then a massive crowd had gathered who also laughed in support of the hyena cop. We lowered our bid, there was more laughter. Finally we said we would go with the man to a body shop and accept the estimate amount. The cop agreed, wrote out a slip and was off to serve and protect in another quarter.

We eventually ended up with 300RMB, not enough to fix the bike. Still, it was our first encounter with the legal system and with the police in China and although it wasn’t pleasant it could have been much, much worse.

It was in the depths of a dreary and cold winter in Beijing when Christmas hit, almost unexpectedly, amid family visits and mad rushes at the bar. The garland was hung, the lights were strung, and a fake fireplace had been painted on the eastern wall to give the dark living room the feeling of a home. But still, it never did feel like Christmas.

Christmas eve is a drinking night for Chinese, who remain clearly and openly confused about the contradictions of Christmas. Without a multi-episode series by the BBC it would be difficult to decypher how a baby born in Israel during a census year was related to a jolly man who dressed like a Bloods pimp from the North Pole. And how this all related to gift giving, midgets working as indentured servants, indoor evergreens and songs about sleighbells is literally anyone’s guess here. But it looks like fun, so the Chinese have adopted their own traditions:

1) The words for “Merry Christmas” sounds somewhat like the word “Apple” causing many to gift apples to one another on the 25th. In Sanlitun, in downtown Beijing there were apples ornately wrapped in beautiful cellophane boxes retailing for 50RMB ($7) a pop leaving Mike and I wondering if apple sales wouldn’t be a better industry next year than booze.

2) The Chinese have observed that foreigners enjoy drinking profusely on their profound holidays. Take, for example, St. Patrick’s Day, New Years, Australia Day, Flag Day, President’s Day, Groundhog Day, Valentine’s Day and Thanksgiving. Thus, although foreigners are not out drinking on Christmas eve en masse, the Chinese have taken up the burden and march out into the bars with the grand scheme of leaving on a stretcher. This they do by ordering expensive scotch they don’t enjoy and chasing them with Blue Margaritas.

3) The Chinese have taken to decorating in somewhat a similar fashion to decorations they apparently saw in 1980s Christmas films from the deep south. Strings of lights are tossed up on trees and bushes in hideous colors and in all manner of flashing, vibrating and noise-making variations. A favorite decoration is a close up cut-out of Santa’s jolly face, only his eyes have been adapted to appear more Asian, and his mustache is pointed like Stalin’s. Still, it’s a comical, if not inspiring adaptation of the jolly man’s mug. One particularly bad copy of a Christmas tree involved a massive cone shape covered in purple, vertical lights and interwoven with neon purple ribbon. The cone was decorated in magician stars and moons. The cone was about three stories high and despite being the most unsightly cone ever erected, was a favorite spot for local “Christmas photos.” One that gets points for creativity is a rendition of a tree that was so creative it goes in the “creative” pile and not in the “epic fail” pile. It consisted of three Chinese lanterns covered in vertical lights with a star on top. Props to that one! (image below).

Christmas day can come and go in China without noticing. There were no major special events, though several large hotels held tree-lighting ceremonies full of pomp without circumstance. And these same hotels capitalized on the holidays by offering singularly outrageous meals for those unfortunate enough to be lodging solo for the holiday.

At the bar we got a special treat on Christmas. A band of merry (via drink) carolers were going from bar to bar in what they called a “caroling pub crawl.” This is a tradition I’d love to see catch on. They had guitars and great vocals, and had a few shots of courage before belting out “Oh Holy Night” and a somewhat confused version of “Oh Christmas Tree” that started off in German and migrated, once it was clear no one spoke German in their group, into English. It was a magical, Christmas moment that smelled of eggnog, and sounded like home.